This is 29: Sitting with my thoughts in quarantine

Wow, it has been a long time since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure what prompted me to want to jump on here today, (although it is my birthday and I have been reflecting a lot on things). But here I am.  And if you’re reading this – thank you. I really, really felt the love today. Even being someone with a “quarantine birthday”, I had the best day, and weekend, really. We also celebrated Coven’s 2nd birthday last weekend, and I have to say, although we miss our friends and family, the simple celebrations have really been wonderful. I’m going to miss this slow-living when it’s over.

There have been many times in the last year where I’ve thought, “I should probably update that blog soon” 🙂 But honestly, I’ve felt like I had nothing to say. It’s been a year of healing and rest for me. But through lots of therapy, wonderful relationships, and restoration, I feel like I’m in a place to share a little more. I recently looked back at old blog posts and even just posts on social media, and I realized how much I had to say. But I can also tell that I was in a very different place than I am now. I can tell that version of me was wrestling. She was trying to feel confident, but still looking for affirmation and support. She was looking for permission to feel and think. I think that’s because the last two years for me has been full of digging and confronting. Digging up old habits, ways of thinking, things I’ve learned…and then confronting them with the person I’m on my way to be.

I also just learned that I’m in the beginning of my Saturn Return, which could have a whole lot to do with all of the change I feel happening within me. What’s a Saturn Return, you ask? You can read all about it and find out when yours is here. To summarize, every 27 to 29 years, Saturn returns to the same zodiac sign it was in when you were born. And when that “return” happens, you feel it. The website Astro Style, puts it this way:

You come face to face with your own blocks and be forced to push through them. All the “mistakes” you made in the nearly three decades leading up to this seem to crystallize. Rather than repeating them on autopilot, you have a chance to turn lemons into lemonade.

I get emotional every time I read that, because it is so applicable to me now. I know that now is a pivotable moment in my timeline, and I’m nervous but so excited for what is to come. I can’t wait to look back in another few years and see the change that happens during this time. I’ve been feeling like the last couple of years of all this wrestling have brought me to this point. And according to the definition of a person’s Saturn Return, it might not get easier from here, but I think I will finally receive the clarity and confidence I’ve been searching for.

There has been a lot of unsettled dust floating around my life – discomfort, shame, resentment, hurt, worry – and for the last few months it has felt like the dust has lifted. I’ve spent so much time worrying about how I allow myself to change and transform into the person I can feel coming, but also keep my friends, my marriage, my family, and my sense of belonging. I’ve been afraid of people not being able to relate to me, so they just turn their backs instead.

But you know what has happened? I’ve allowed myself the freedom to transform. I’ve allowed myself the freedom to search, and wonder, and doubt, and find what sits with me. And because of that, my relationships have only thrived. Sure, I’ve lost touch with some, but I’ve realized that those relationships were most likely based on something that wasn’t true for me anyways, or they just don’t serve me in the right way right now. I have been holding myself back so much, that I was literally suffocating the person I was becoming. Which creates so much tension, and so much resentment, and so much fear (within myself and for others, too).

But with that being said, I feel myself letting go of expectations and the idea that everything needs to look a certain way. And let me tell you, in the midst of my journey of trying to figure out who I was, my marriage was really suffering. I think there was struggling on both sides, but from my side, I really think I was trying to hold something back that was actually bursting at the seams. I was trying to sugarcoat what was happening, or pretend like I was still the same person…but that most definitely wasn’t true.

And now, my marriage has never been better. We had gone through a really hard time the last couple of years, which really came to a head last fall through the beginning of the year. We both broke. But we’re better for it. It’s almost as is if we went through the thinning and pruning of our relationship, and now the new growth is happening. We were both holding ourselves back from something so much greater. We just needed to cut away the dead and dying parts of us first. I’m thankful to be sharing this journey of transformation with Tyson. It has been so exciting to see just how much has changed in the last few months, but now I know that even the last couple of years that felt completely unbearable, were also completely necessary for our growth. Tyson and I have learned that we really see eye-to-eye on so much more than we had ever thought possible…all because we have allowed ourselves to start thinking for ourselves and being more true to who we are.

So I guess I’m writing so I can stamp this moment in time. We’re all quarantined and stuck with more thoughts than we’ve probably ever had. I’ve been sitting with many realizations and revelations that I’d love to share more of, but am also being patient with myself with how I share them. But for now, my 29 year old self would like to say this:

  • Don’t hold yourself back from who you are becoming. Change is inevitable. Whether it’s minimal or drastic, change is necessary. Even if it means you lose a sense of belonging, that feeling will only be temporary. You’ll find it again, and it may look completely different than you had ever imagined, but you’ll be better because of it and you’ll find the belonging that is meant for you.
  • Find a way to relate to people outside of what is comfortable to you. Find a way to relate to people outside of a work environment, or an acquaintance-ship, or motherhood. How else can you be with another human and actually see who they are? If you’re coming from a religious background like me…If you’re only used to connecting with people through religion and church…you’ll hold yourself back from some great people in this life. Find a way to relate to and love people outside of what you’re comfortable with. And do it without an agenda.
  • It is perfectly okay to allow yourself to change. You wouldn’t wear the same shoes as a 29 year old that you wore as an 8 year old, right? We are meant to grow, and change, and develop into different versions of ourselves. I used to believe that things in my life were supposed to stay consistently the same, but that was only holding me back. Even if it means that you lose things in your life (relationships, community, a sense of comfort), it is worth it to allow yourself to question if you’re truly happy with where you are at. Why is it so hard for us to remember that your life is YOUR life and you only get one of them? If you feel yourself being led in a direction (that isn’t directly harmful to you or other people), then give yourself the freedom to explore that.
  • If your fear of transformation comes from the reaction of other people, find people who will support and love you, and not try to change who you’re becoming. This is one that I am working on, but I sense myself growing in this area.
  • It is not our responsibility to force or dictate how others live out their lives. A person’s life is just that: their own life. The best and most that we can do is love other people so much that it hurts. We don’t have (or get) to change people. I have felt this many times in the way that people have approached me with their dissatisfaction in my journey of doubting religion. I have also felt this many times in how I raise my children. We can love, support, and guide our kids in the best way we know how, but it is in my belief that I should never dictate what my kids believe or what truly brings them joy. We don’t get to change them because we aren’t them.
  • Allow yourself to wonder and wander and doubt everything.
  • Find the good in everyone.

Sending love to you all in this historic time of a global quarantine. May you give yourself the freedom to sit with your thoughts and process and respect how you feel.